Dear Lucas: I saw your recent column about eels sneaking through the plumbing and electrocuting people. My daughter was recently shocked by a sewer eel, and I am apoplectic. I want revenge against the eels, but their hit-and-run tactics make it hard to take the fight to them. Any advice on how to satisfy my bloodlust?
Dear Reader: Brother, if we knew how to take the fight to the eels, this war would have been over a long time ago.
Eels are like the al-Qaeda of the animal kingdom. They are effective at hiding, guerilla warfare and they do not differentiate between civilians and military.
What’s tricky about eels is that scientists aren’t completely sure how they reproduce in the wild. Even Sigmund Freud was baffled by the process. Granted, the only thing Freud was good for was chain smoking stogies and doing enough cocaine to kill all of Motley Crue. Not knowing how eels reproduce makes it harder to make a meaningful dent in their populations.
We’re also unsure why they’re attacking. Perhaps it’s because they know how delicious they taste on sushi, and they think that by attacking us in the bathroom, it will ruin our appetite for them. All that we know for sure is that they travel through our plumbing lines and are incredibly violent.
In the short term, I’d recommend bringing rubber boots and the largest gun you can find into the bathroom every time you have to go (we’ve already tried flushing hot sauce and putting rocks down the toilet). You’ll be insulated from the electrical shock, and also be able to retaliate The American Way, with buckshot.
Call your representative in Congress. Tell them to start taking the Eel War seriously.
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