Devon Middle School embraces litter boxes as plumbing repairs prove costly


Fredericton — In an unprecedented move in the world of education, Devon Middle School administrators have made the bold decision to replace traditional restrooms with state-of-the-art litter boxes for its students. The reason? Outrageously extravagant plumbing repair costs.

Parents, teachers and students alike were left in disbelief when they learned earlier today that the school was bidding adieu to regular bathrooms and embracing feline-inspired facilities, beginning as early as this week. With the arrival of cold weather, students are now set to embark on daily outdoor adventures to partake in this unique “litterary” experience.

David McTimoney, the superintendent of Anglophone West School District, and Thomas Geburt, the district education council chair, both shied away from interviews.

Nevertheless, they did offer a written response:

“We understand that this transition may seem peculiar, but it’s a temporary solution to address plumbing issues while we work to rectify the situation. Rest assured, our students will have a ‘purrfectly’ comfortable experience.

“We looked into the costs first of repairing or replacing the indoor plumbing, and it was astronomical. Next, we considered putting portable toilets outside, but even that expense was out of reach. We thought of asking students to simply go outside and dig a hole, pee in it, then bury it, but realized the ground would be too hard in the winter for all that. So, we think we’ve arrived at a solution that everyone can be satisfied with for the time being.”

The letter went on to explain that the litter boxes will be provided for students and placed in one large portable classroom just a few metres from the main school building. However, each student will have to “BYOS” (Bring Your Own Scoop) and clean up their business before the next student pops a squat. Students are encouraged to bring old Sobeys or Superstore bags to put their waste into, so they can take it home and dispose of it there, away from school grounds.

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” said parent Aaron Dolan. “I can’t even get my son to clean out his cat’s litter box at home — what makes you think he’d do it at school?”

Grade 7 student Haley Cleese expressed privacy concerns to this Manatee reporter.

“It’s kind of creepy,” she said. “Like, when you use the normal bathroom, there’s stalls and doors and locks. Is there going to be a stall around each litter box or is some random substitute teacher going to be watching me dig around in the sand with my butt out?”

The ancient middle school is already contending with asbestos tiles, mice problems and overcrowding, among other issues. Dolan said this litter box proposal may be the last straw before many parents consider pulling their students out of school altogether.

“It’s just embarrassing — imagine all the bullying our poor Devon kids are going to get from those uptight Naasissies? I’ll homeschool before I let that happen to my kid.”

Our reporter managed to track down at least one student who was on board with the boxes.

“Well, we’re already called the Devon Wildcats — I guess it makes sense, sorta,” said Jacob McNeil, who plans to try his family’s litter box tonight in preparation for tomorrow, when the boxes arrive at school. “If it’s too weird I just won’t drink anything so I don’t have to go.”